The bathroom at work is a dead zone. No cell signal, no WiFi signal....Sori can't even dial 911. So I tried to pre-record....

Pressing the 'Stops button prematurely was only the first in a series of unfortunate events.

I clogged the toilet with a massive turd that wouldn't detach, so a big chunk got stuck in limbo and created a dingleberry that could have been a solo poop.

Thinking ahead as I began to clean my butt, I put the dirty paper on the back of the toilet. I kept having to move the backup rolls to make room! (Don't worry, they're wrapped).

After what must have been 20 minutes, I finally felt like I was making progress on the clean-up job. I know it was 20 minutes because that's when the lights turned off.

Now, I did have my phone, but I'm also retarded; so using the flashlight isn't an option. Just my 80% backlight that goes to sleep after 3 seconds.

It wasn't easy, and I prayed that nobody had to use the bathroom, as 9 crept awkwardly towards the exit .... in the dark....trousers around my ankles...toilet paper in my butt and on my pp.

Then there was light! I waddled back to the stall, stopping to pick up TP I had dropped. I continued to wipe, making what felt like no progress.

After I finally felt like there wasn't going to be shit stains in my underpants, I pulled up my pants and rolled up my sleeves to start plunging. FINALLY! THE EASY PART!

Nope! The plunger is too small to form a tight suction, and one wrong plunge would result in a seriously poopy backsplash! After a while, I heard someone enter the building.

Though confident it was the fat chick down the hall, I realized I had now been in the bathroom for close to an hour...and the plunger was making no visible progress.

You know how when you clog the toilet and the water goes down super slow and then you try flushing after a minute? IT WASN'T GOING DOWN. AT ALL.

And I still had a pile of poopy toilet paper sitting on the tank cover. So I went and got paper towel...and wrapped the poop paper up onto a ball and threw it in the garbage. And sprayed it with air freshener.

Back to the toilet and I am exhausted. My back hurts, my forearms have poop water on them, my heart is racing from the 3 Rockstars I had for breakfast, and my butt is feeling poopy again.

I figure now is a good time to call it quits. Just pray the water goes down enough to fool the next person into thinking it's their fault.

Except there's a soup of shredded paper and poop....and I'm one of only two men who are in the building daily. I think he'll know....

So I try plunging down the paper just enough to hide it. After several minutes, the water has gone down! I keep it up and get the water down to the hole.

And I flush. At first it starts.to fill...then gurgle...then the toilet finally chokes down my massive turd Dump! It clears!

I wait patiently for one more victory flush, the wash my hands. Then go back to spray more air freshener on the paper towel/poop paper that I am not pulling out of the garbage.

I realize now that I should have sprayed the poop before washing my hands...

Oh God. There was no happy ending or silver lining. And so ends my tale of fecal woe.